


Perspective of the Uninitiated

by Gilberrts



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: F/M, Goku is not an idiot per say, but his real life education is ongoing to say the least, tarantino hire me, two guys sittin in a diner format fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 23:16:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14319225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilberrts/pseuds/Gilberrts
Summary: It's incredibly surreal watching your friends grow up, get married, and become functioning adults. Some things stay the same, of course.





	Perspective of the Uninitiated

Krillin sat at a corner booth, contemplating his steaming cup of coffee. The light from the window was as grey and lifeless as he felt, contrasting with the creamy pastel interior of the diner. He didn't mind waiting for his friend to arrive; it gave him more time to wallow in his misery. Krillin had been doing a lot of that in the past week.

It really was all his fault, though. He'd gone and read too much into things, embarrassing himself and making her horribly uncomfortable. She had only been being friendly, chatting with him at his latest small time martial arts tournament. She'd been the runner-up in the women's division, with Krillin placing first in the men's. She'd probably only agreed to get street food with him because she was hungry from her fight. And then he'd gone and asked her out, only to immediately regret it. Just remembering how awkward her rejection had been made him wince. And they'd been having such a comfortable, _platonic_ conversation prior to that. He felt like one of the pushy, creepy men that Bulma would complain about when they got together.

Hopefully, Goku’s happy-go-lucky attitude would cheer him up. It was hard to stay gloomy in his presence, which was precisely why he'd called his old friend to meet up that day. That, and the fact he hadn't seen him since his wedding three months ago. It was still a bit jarring to think about Goku being married, let alone to a gorgeous woman that seemed absolutely enamoured with him. After all, he'd never showed so much as a passing interest in romance or sex the entire time he'd known him. What kind of wedding night could he have possibly had? He felt a bit like Master Roshi for thinking about it, but who could blame him? If Goku didn't know what a bride was, what other enormous gaps in his practical education could there be? It boggled the mind, to think about a teenaged savior of the world being that innocent.

Well, that Chichi didn't seem like a kind of manipulative deviant, though she possibly had a temper issue. That was a whole other issue. Did Goku know what he'd gotten himself into? Did she? It had all happened so soon, after having just barely met after several years of estrangement. To say they jumped the gun a little might be an understatement. It had seemed a bit like Goku was just going along with whatever she said on the basis of his childhood promise. They'd been friendly enough, though her clingy nature seemed to annoy him a little. Would there be any basis for a real relationship between them? The thought was worrying. The last thing Goku deserved after all he'd done was a failed marriage before he reached his twenties. Neither did that girl, honestly. She was just young and naïve, after all.

Krillin was so caught up in this pessimistic train of thought that he almost didn't notice the cotton candy cloud streaking across the cold gray sky. Almost.

Goku dropped from the sky, drawing a few startled shrieks from sidewalk pedestrians. He garnered even more attention when he entered the restaurant in the form of stares and whispers and a solitary wolf whistle from the table of a much older couple. Krillin suspected that was partially due to the fact that he was soaking wet and wearing a very see-through white t shirt, but that was neither here nor there. It was more surprising that Goku wasn't wearing his training uniform. Instead, he was clad in brown pants and a long sleeved shirt with an orange jacket. He looked downright normal like that, with the exception of his hair. That would never look normal. Briefly, Krillin wondered if his new bride had gotten him to give up training, as impossible as that seemed. But that theory didn't seem to check out, as Goku looked even broader and stronger than the last time he'd seen him.

He stood there for a moment, the ridiculous spikes of his hair weighed down and dripping onto the tile floor. Then it looked as if he abruptly realized his condition, because he promptly shook himself like a dog, sending a thick spray of water in all directions. Krillin was both grateful he was sitting in the back and embarrassed, as very few patrons managed to escape the indoor rainstorm. Goku looked up, oblivious to the dirty looks diners gave him. He scanned the room, face lighting up when his eyes landed on Krillin.

“Hey, Krillin!” His voice was a little too loud, his accent coming through clear in just two words, but Krillin didn't find himself minding much. He waved, returning Goku’s smile without even thinking. His friend slid into the booth, looking mostly dry.

“Hey, Goku. Nice outfit.”

His friend smiled down at his clothes, a little bashful.

“You think so? Chichi said I shouldn't wear my gi if I'm going out to eat and not planning to fight. I guess she was right, since you're not wearing yours either.”

“Do you like it?”

“I guess,” he said with a shrug. “The shirt’s a little tight. Chichi looks way better in this sort of clothes anyways.”

Krillin stopped short. That sounded almost like an unsolicited compliment to a lady's physical appearance. Was this the effect of marriage? He decided to investigate further, with only the thinnest veneer of subtlety.

“So,” he began, taking a sip of his coffee. “how is Chichi, anyways?”

“Not great,” said Goku with a frown. Krillin panicked, completely clueless as how to give marriage counsel.

“She's been throwin’ up all morning.” Krillin heaved a sigh of relief.

“You think she's got the flu?”

“Nah, she didn't have a fever. I thought it was food poisoning, but I'm not sick, and we eat all the same food.” He looked at the ceiling, usually smooth features furrowed in concentration, before sighing. “She kicked me out to come meet you, an’ she didn't even kiss me goodbye!”

Krillin stared, dumbfounded.

“What?”

“That's what I said! She brushed her teeth, so I didn't see the problem, but she just told me to go,” he said, pouting.

“O-okay, it's just… you kiss her goodbye?”

Goku stared, confusion suddenly giving way to a grin.

“I guess you wouldn't know what a kiss is, since you're not married yet. Chichi showed me. It's actually pretty fun,” he said, a halfway dreamy look on his face.

“Uh-” Krillin sought to turn the conversation back to something he knew how to talk about. How did he expect to talk to Goku about his sex life when discussing an innocent goodbye kiss felt too personal?

“Well, I've got an idea. You know when we ate that puffer fish at Kame House, and me and Roshi got sicker than dogs, but you were fine?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Maybe you caught something that was poisonous enough to make a regular person sick, but not you.”

Goku’s eyes opened as wide as saucers.

“Woah, Krillin, that's pretty smart. I'm glad I told you about it.”

“Aw, thanks,” he replied, feeling his cue-ball head flush red.

“Hmm, so all I need is someone to test fish on before I take it home!”

Krillin laughed nervously at that. He hadn't been saying that, and he had no doubt that Goku was serious. However, they were interrupted by two menus smacking against the table.

“Want anything to drink?” Their waiter was a half-asleep man in a faded pink shirt and apron, eyeing Goku with mild interest.

“I'll have whatever Krillin’s drinking,” he said cheerfully.

“Sure, so a cup of black coffee?”

“Y-”

He wandered off before Goku could even begin to answer. His frown appeared for only a fraction of a second before he picked up the menu and began to read.

“Gosh, it sure is different in the city,” he murmured, not upset in the slightest. If anything, his voice was full of wonder.

“He didn't mean anything by it, Goku. In the city, a diner like this is always crowded, so he's probably just used to getting orders as quickly as possible,” he explained.

“Yeah, city folk are always in a hurry,” he said with a nod.

“So, what are the people on Mount Paozu like?”

“Well, we only ever see them when we go thirty miles to the base of the mountain every two weeks. That's where the village and the market is,” he added, by way of explanation.

“So you don't have any neighbors at all?”

“Nope.”

“Doesn't that bother you?” Krillin couldn't imagine being all alone in the woods like that. Even Master Roshi’s tiny island was part of a larger string of inhabited ones one could visit.

“Not really. We can catch, grow, or make most things on our own, so we only really need to go into town and buy manufactured goods once in a while.”

“No, I meant…. Don't you ever get lonely? Or bored?”

Goku looked completely perplexed by this line of thinking. He tilted his head in a manner that was distinctly doglike, though Krillin felt bad about making the comparison.

“Why would I be lonely? I'm not alone. I've got Chichi, and she's not boring,” he said, matter of fact and completely content.

His completely thoughtless honesty was the most sincere thing Krillin had heard in the past month. His delivery sparked both intense relief and mild envy in Krillin. After all, with his training regimen and traveling for competitions, he was still a bit lonely even in the middle of civilization. Still, he was glad Goku was adapting well to his new life. Apparently, his bride’s personality was well suited to him, and he had picked up the intricacies of basic intimacy, such as a goodbye kiss. Perhaps, by some miracle, their hasty marriage could at least be amicable, despite Goku's eccentricities.

“Plus, there are some really good things about living on a mountain by ourselves,” he continued. “For one thing, we can be as loud as we want,” he said thoughtfully.

Krillin choked on his coffee, inhaling a burning spray directly into his lungs. Coughing what certainly felt like blood directly into a napkin, he admonished himself for having such a dirty mind.

“You mean,” he croaked, “when you spar?”

“No,” said Goku, mildly confused and far too casual about preparing to inadvertently murder his best friend with just six words. “I mean when we have sex.”

Krillin’s face went from room temperature to hotter than a flat top grill in an instant. He imagined the piercing gaze of every parent, senior citizen, or decent human being turning to their table and the sound of Goku's too-loud, accented speech. His friend, the most innocent person Krillin had ever known, looked the same as ever in terms of expression and maturity. Yet, he had taken that final step into adulthood, long before Krillin ever would, and with an insanely beautiful woman. How could that have even happened, if Chichi had to explain kissing to him in the first place? He willed himself to stop thinking about it. It didn't work.

He was suddenly thinking about his best friend naked, which was already foreign and incredibly embarrassing, considering how their relationship had always been strictly platonic and Krillin had never even thought about it like… that. Then he was thinking about Chichi naked, which was just as bad, if not worse. After all, what kind of man fantasized about his best friend's wife? Krillin already felt horrible, then he started thinking about them naked _together_.

In the wilderness, with only the trees for company. Like a couple of animals. Incredibly athletic, well-proportioned animals in the best shape of their lives. Not to mention the flexibility. Passionate and exploring their bodies with another partner for the first time in their lives, making enough noise to keep half the mountainside awake…

Oh, Krillin was going to burn in hell just for thinking about this.

“S-s-se-sex?” Not his most eloquent moment, but to be fair, he was almost certain his brain was emitting steam out his ears in an attempt to thermoregulate at that moment, so he was doing the best he could. Goku's mouth opened in a small circle, as realization dawned upon him.

“Oh, I forgot that you wouldn't know what that is, since you're not married. I'll try to explain it, but I probably won't do as good a job as Chichi.”

“Goku,” stage whispered Krillin, trying to ignore the thought of how Goku's wife might've explained the act and failing miserably.

“So, apparently, your privates are good for more than peeing? I wouldn't have guessed it, but-”

“I know what sex is, Goku!”

His friend's eyes crossed as he tried to look at Krillin's hand, clapped across his mouth. Krillin sighed in relief that his friend's “lesson” was over. Then he took stock of his surroundings. He had climbed up to silence Goku and had one knee on the table, one foot on the seat, and over two dozen diners turned his way, no doubt attracted by the movement and sound of Krillin loudly proclaiming his sexual knowledge. Goku's eyes flicked to the right, where their waiter stood, holding a nondescript ceramic mug. Krillin let out a noise very similar to a squeak and scrambled back into his seat. The waiter seemed only mildly perturbed by the commotion, setting down the coffee and getting out his notepad to take their order.

“So, what do you want?”

“To die,” he mumbled down at the table. He couldn't recall ever being more mortified in his entire life.

“Join the club. What about you, country boy?”

Goku looked down at the menu with considerably less enthusiasm than Krillin would expect.

“Order whatever you want, my treat,” he sighed, still cringing at his earlier actions. Goku perked up immediately, and rattled off a laundry list of dishes. The waiter continued on his way, shooting sharp looks at gawkers.  
  
Goku took a sip of his coffee, only for his face to predictably contort in absolute disgust. Belatedly, Krillin realized that coffee was yet another blank space in Goku's human experience. Maybe he should have warned him…

“Yuck! People _drink_ that?”

“Well, some people put cream and sugar in it, if you want,” he said, nudging the bowls full of packets of both commodities towards him. Goku proceeded to dump heart attack-inducing quantities of both in his drink. He periodically sipped it, his grimaces becoming smaller every time. Suddenly, he stopped and looked up.

“Hey, how are you planning to pay for all that, Krillin?” Trust Goku to only ask that after ordering enough food for a small army.

“Well, I recently won a bit of prize money in a martial arts tournament,” he said, effectively switching his focus from the mistakes of the present to the mistakes of earlier that week. The first place prize was the only good thing that came of that episode, and it hadn't been that much money in the end. Still, Krillin was glad he had an extra thousand zeni, which could still buy an enormous meal at a dirt cheap diner.

“What? I missed another tournament?” His stricken expression matched a childish whine as he lunged halfway over the table in distress. Krillin winced; he wouldn't be surprised if half the restaurant couldn't help but listen in on their rambunctious exchange.

“It was just a small one, Goku. Even I could win while still having to hold back. You would've just been bored,” he assured.

“Hmm. You say that, but you're pretty strong, Krillin,” he said, clearly not believing his friend.

“Seriously, Goku. None of the contestants would be able to beat a single one of the dinosaurs, giant cats, or lake monsters on your mountain.”

That seemed to convince him, because he pouted for only a second more before lighting up in a brilliant smile.

“Hey, speaking of that, did I tell you about the time Chichi fought an entire pack of wolves at once?”

“She what now?”

“Took ‘em all on with her bare hands!” Goku seemed very proud of this achievement.

“Huh.”

“Yeah, she went down to the river when they cornered her. I don't think I've ever heard anyone curse that loudly before. I heard it all the way from the house! But by the time I got there, the wolves were all either out cold, hanging out of trees, or rolling on their backs like puppies.”

“Wow.”

“And Chichi was standing there completely naked, soaking wet, and-”

“That's enough, Goku,” said Krillin, unsuccessfully trying to avoid thinking about the image his friend had so dreamily painted. Krillin didn't have a type, but if he did, it would be cool, strong, and beautiful. How was he ever going to face Chichi again?

For a moment the two sat there, thinking about Goku's wife with varying levels of guilt. Krillin remained red, while Goku looked more inclined to drool over something other than food. Krillin coughed.

“So, uh. Do you two have any plans for this coming winter? I'm sure Bulma would take you in if you don't want to be snowed inside for four months.”

“Five months,” corrected Goku. “And nah, we'll be good. After all, I don't wanna miss out on wild boar hunting. The bacon is way too good. Plus, Chichi says there'll be some sort of winter festival on the solstice, with a lot of good food vendors.”

“I should've guessed as much.”

“But,” he said with a frown, “it looks like we'll have to put our search for the dragon balls on hold while we get ready for the season.”

“You want to make a wish?”

“Not really. We figured we would just hold onto them in case of an emergency. We already picked up the four-star one my grandpa had, and we're keeping it at home.”

“And you two just do that sort of thing for fun?”

“Well…”

The conversation continued in this harmless vein of trading stories for some time. Though outside listeners might be confused, at least they would no longer be scandalized. Goku downed his 1:1:1 mix of coffee, cream, and sugar in minutes. Briefly, Krillin wondered how Goku might react to the extra energy, but, if anything, he seemed more tired, occasionally yawning. This calm attitude persisted right up to the moment his food was ready. He bolted upright, nose twitching as the overladen waiter came forward, followed by the rest of the staff, similarly burdened with food.

“Wow! This looks great,” he said, already reaching out for the first omelet. The ensuing scene was almost traumatizing, food being inhaled and dishes piling up faster than the waitstaff could remove them. For all his enthusiasm, Goku didn't miss a single grain of rice or drop of sauce, somehow qualifying as a neat eater. It wasn't until the staff left, after pushing in another free table just to hold all the food, that his pace began to slow. That still wasn't saying much, as he tore through a steak with record speed. Krillin pinched a plate of pancakes for himself, knowing his friend wouldn't begrudge him breakfast for one.

“Hey Krillin, I really appreciate you helping me pay for all of this,” he said, after swallowing. That was odd; Goku never missed an opportunity to talk with his mouth full.

“It's no biggie. I'm just glad you could meet up today, Goku.”

“I've got to save up my money to buy this thing Chichi asked me to get after this, too. She said she didn't know exactly how much it would cost, so I was trying to play it safe.”

“Out of all the things that are hard to come by on the mountain, what does she want?”

Goku withdrew a folded square of paper kept dry inside his jacket and wordlessly handed it over, before getting back to attacking a plate of pork sausages. Krillin opened it, revealing a drawing in pencil and ink, presumably by Chichi. For a moment he was indignant that she thought Goku needed a picture, before examining it more closely. In her defense, it was a very specific Capsule Corp Pharmaceuticals product that she wanted. The drawing was shockingly detailed in its accuracy; she even got the fonts right. Krillin shook himself, focusing on the implication behind the drawing.

“Goku, this is a brand of pregnancy test.”

“Yeah, I don't know why she wants one, though. She’s not even pregnant. Besides, why should a pregnant woman take a test? If you're an adult, and you don't go to school, I thought you were done with that stuff. But Chichi’s really big on calculus and stuff, so maybe it's just for fun? I don't really get why anyone would want to take a test, anyways.”

He shrugged and went back to eating, while Krillin stared, jaw hanging loose. He had one thought rolling through his brain, over and over again. Krillin wasn't ready- scratch that, _the world_ wasn't ready for Son Goku to be a father.

**Author's Note:**

> Dragon Ball fic! I finally got here. I quite like Chichi, which is a shame considering her name is basically "Tits McGee", but we can't help who we love, I suppose. Expect more FMA and possibly more Dragon Ball with Gochi and Chiccolo in the future. In the meantime, tell me how this foray into vintage anime went for me in terms of writing.


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